clivemurray.com

And fuck you, and fuck you, and fuck you, and fuck all you fuckers again.

Stop the motherfucking world I wish to disembark.

–c.

“A segment of animated footage promoting the 2012 Olympics has been removed from the organisers’ website after fears it could trigger epileptic seizures.”

So says the BBC news site.

Are they sure this is people having actual seizures, or could it just be people seeing the logo and reacting in the proper way, i.e. to throw your arms in front of your face and spit and curse until it goes away? I could see how the two could be confused.

(via Warren Ellis)
–c.

That’s the third most common reaction I’ve heard to the new London 2012 Olympics logo. The second most common has been “What the fuck is that?”, while the commonest reaction has been simply to reach for the nearest heavy object and smash the monitor (in case of emergency) to avoid seeing the fucking atrocity any longer than is necessary.

Don’t think for one moment that I’m alone in slating it.

I mean, quite literally, What The Fuck happened there? What? Why? In the name of all that’s holy, how did that ever even get off the whiteboard and out of the brainstorm? Why wasn’t it laughed off the face of the fucking industry the moment it ever took form?

Holy double fuck, that is just so awful. And it cost the taxpayers £400,000, allegedly. Great.

FUCKING GOOD WORK ALL ROUND. HAVE A DAY OFF.

–c.

If you are going to leave your mobile phone on your desk, put the fucker on silent.

If you are not going to put your phone on silent, then take it fucking with you.

It really is that simple.
–c.

…is something you will hear me shout many times. Or at least you would, if you walked beside me everywhere I go.

Talking on the phone while driving appears, in parts of east London, to be compulsory rather than illegal. And I never miss an opportunity to bawl the above phrase at the car in question if the fucker has a window open. So I’m overjoyed to read that as of next week drivers flouting this law will face stiffer penalties.

The other one that gets me is failing to use your indicators. I realise that this one is a bit more specific to me, because of a specific road that I cross twice a day. Just outside South Woodford tube station, on the south side, there is a viaduct out of which drivers pass at a fairly regular rate. These drivers all turn left, because they are turning onto Mulberry Way, which is a one-way street, but many of them then take the next right, down Daisy Road, and down onto the A113.

99% of these drivers, in my experience, indicate to turn left out of the viaduct. However only about 50% of them switch their indicator to right in order to proceed into Daisy Road. Why? Just because it’s almost opposite the viaduct, you’re still turning, and you still need to communicate this to pedestrians and other road users, you fucks.

If I’m standing there waiting to cross Daisy Road, I watch the cars coming and focus on the right-hand indicator. If it’s not flashing, I step out. On occasion, I’ve been beeped by cockwits coming down Daisy Road who simply didn’t bother to indicate, and this is the second instance of Divine Vocal Justice Dispensation that I practice. In this situation I turn and bellow “Indicator broken, is it arsehole?”

They’re arseholes and they have to be told.

And no, by the way, I never ever use my mobile while driving.

–c.

…I forgot to mention.

Dear Americans (and others, but in this case I’m specifically talking to you, you bunch of xenophobic knuckledragging COCKWIPES),

If you’re a Scientologist, you are also a FUCKING MORON.

Thank you.
–c, awaiting extradition.

Obviously, inciting hatred towards another is wrong, and illegal, regardless of the reason. Suggesting that someone be hurt or killed in as distressing a way as possible on your blog would be a very definite no-no, and is certainly not what goes on here at clivemurray.com.

For this reason, I present absolutely no comment of a derogatory nature about a woman, Diane Hannon. I certainly do not hope that she falls under a bus, or that her flat burns down with her in it, or indeed that someone sticks a broken glass into her fucking jugular at their earliest convenience.

Further, I would urge anyone – regardless of their feelings towards animals – to refrain from punching her in the fucking face repeatedly until bits of bones fall out of her ears. I would also ask the public as a whole not to set about her person with a big fucking spanner until she cries to be put out of her misery and into the washing machine.

Thank you for your attention in this very legal matter.
–c.

Harry says it best:

“To cut a dull story short, a TV company put some stupid people in a house to make a stupid TV show, then everyone complains when they do something stupid. It happens every year.”

The only thing that varies from year to year is the degree of stupidity of the participants. This year they have really outdone themselves, proving that the great British public really do want hot wet clumps of shit fired into their faces by their television sets.

–c.