clivemurray.com

Today’s GWF award (that will probably only mean anything to men around my age who used to read Loaded) goes to the sixth year of Banchory Academy in Aberdeenshire, who managed to get themselves sent home collectively on their last day of term for turfing their common room.

Personally I think this shows more use of initiative and “Get Things Done” skills than any other prank I’ve heard of, and can safely say that the sheer nous used to pull this off will serve those responsible better in time than any amount of algebra or art history.

I’d have given them a prize, myself.

–c.

I had a chair.

It was a huge great black reclining job from Ikea, the Valhalla of household goods, and for a couple of years I loved it. I say reclining, it just had an extendable footrest that lifted up when you yanked the lever, a but like Joey and Chandler’s chairs in Friends.

But then I started to tire of the chair. The seat itself was a bucket style thing, and that just didn’t lend itself to eating dinner or sitting properly, so while it was great to recline in for an hour or two, it got uncomfortable after a while.

Recently I obtained a 2-seater sofa to replace the chair, and moved it into the bathroom until we could figure out what to do with it. It was going to go on eBay but we just didn’t get round to it, and this weekend – having suddenly been blessed with a load of free time in which to Get Things Done – I was threatening to take it to the tip. But my fiancée put an ad up on Gumtree and one on Craigslist saying that anyone who would come and get it could have it for free. It’s a big unwieldy thing too, so they would need a van or some such.

The next morning there were several replies, and a young chap with a Germanic or possibly Scandinavian accent said he would come round and take it, as he just moved into a new place and had literally no furniture. He turned up with his blue camper van, and liked the look of the chair, and we got it into his van easily, and he seemed very pleased with it. (I just hope he got it into his place OK.) At this point we had an idea regarding something else that I was needing to get rid of and couldn’t quite be bothered to eBay.

“Say, I don’t suppose by any chance you’d like an original Playstation? The PSX one? It has a few games with it…”

The look of unexpected joy on his face as he climbed back into his van carrying his new (well, quite old, but you get my meaning) Playstation was the highlight of my weekend.

What was yours?
–c.

As always, the Daily Mash brings us the straight dope:

OIL company executives were last night heading to undisclosed locations amid speculation that consumers were about to make the link between high petrol prices and corporate profits.

I expect they worked really hard to get where they are though. You know, good on ‘em.

…

No, wait… AAARGH. FETCH ME MY NAILED CLUB.

–c.

The banks are fucked.

There are simply no words to describe how much I am going to enjoy fucking them.

I could literally not agree more. Speaking as someone who got fucked by Barclays on a monthly basis, but then successfully got ~£1300 back from them, let me say this to all who wish to do the same: Fill your fucking boots.

–c.

“Mobile phone calls will be allowed on planes flying in European airspace under new European Commission rules.”

FUCK.

That’s it, no more European flights for me, ever.

–c.

A couple of weeks ago I bought a second-hand Honda Civic, and it looks like the guy saw me coming.

When I got home it was overheating, and having the thermostat replaced hasn’t fixed the problem. The local guy who did the thermostat job reckons it’s the head gasket, and reckons I’m in for about £600-700 to get it fixed, which is what I paid for the car.

Does anyone who reads this have engine repair experience? I am not car savvy at all, but I am prepared to help out where possible, obviously buy the parts needed, hold things, supply all the tea/coffee required, get dirty, do anything that I can to aid the process of replacing said gasket. I cannot afford to pay a garage to get this done, but I’m prepared to pay what I can (which isn’t that much) and maybe build you a website if you can help me get this done.

Anyone? Please? Maybe you’ve got a mate who does this stuff? I just need to get it done without being ripped off. Time I have, money I don’t.

Any and all help gratefully appreciated. Feel free to mail me direct on “stuff” at clivemurray.com if you have any ideas/suggestions/words of consolation.

–c. (Desperate)

Ah, fuck.

“Canadian blues guitarist Jeff Healey dies at 41.”

See you when I get there, Jeff, though I may be late.
–c.

Apparently Barack Obama is your new bicycle.

That’s all very well, but Fidel Castro is fluent in the language of love.

You heard it here first.
–c.