It may be noticed by some that I haven’t posted a damn thing here in a while.
In actual fact, I had to delete the previous post that was here (I can’t actually recall what it was about now, either) because something went hugely wrong with it, causing Google Chrome to refuse to show my site at all, claiming it was infected with malware, and when I tried to view it in Firefox my entire PC shut down. I took that as a sign and deleted it.
But also, as some of you closer to me will know, I have had a bad month with regard to my anxiety problems. Looking back – and I have now felt pretty good for three or four days in a row, so I’m hoping I’m out of it – I can see that a lot of factors all contributed to the problem which overwhelmed me so.
Firstly my Dad got ill. He’s 83 this year, and while still very fit for his age, he is starting to get on a bit, so when he got the shingles it was never going to be pleasant. During this there were complications that hospitalised him, and I worried about him, as you would. Additionally work was super-crazy for a period, and the stress levels involved there climbed higher than usual. Hayfever made its presence felt. I developed a stiff neck which (according to my fiancée, who is a therapist and masseuse) triggered twinges and tingles all down my left arm, which my now anxious brain decided to interpret as heart problems. I decided to get round this on at least two occasions by drinking alcohol to make me relax, and then ended up feeling worse the next day because of it.
It all mounted up, and got on top of me, is what I’m basically saying. I know I’m basically jumping at shadows, but that’s anxiety disorder for you. Even though I know I have it, it doesn’t make the worry any less real, or the symptoms any less frightening.
Of course, it helps to talk about it. My fiancée, my boss, my friends, the people on Twitter, everyone has been really supportive and helpful, and I thank you all from the bottom of my heart for your support and your helpful words, comments and tweets.
Love,
–c.